Factory of Shit

This weekend we went to Factory of Terror. Let's just jump right into shall we?

Let's start with the line/outside attractions. I was very happy with these things. They had a vampire magician that went around performing tricks. There was also a zombie Slash walking about. He would bang on the Port-a-potties when people were going to the bathroom. It was hilarious. The most fun one can having waiting in line. That only covers the line to buy tickets. After you buy the ticket there is another line you wait in to go through the factory. This room was full of fun, but cheesy Halloween thing. There was an animatronic undead band that puts Chuck E. Cheese to shame. The music outside and inside were both mood setting, which was nice. There was a painting that would disappear and a skeleton would give this scary speech. I tried to take a picture of the talking skeleton, but when it took, it only got the painting....creepy.

Alas, all this set up and no delivery....Once inside, the only feelings I had were disappointment, angry, and annoyance.

First off. I like a theme or some sort of back story for my attractions. Just random shit isn't scary...there should be some sort of flow to these things. There was zero story to this place. There were several themed based rooms. Look we're surrounded by pirate skeletons....now we're in a butcher shop? Wait, now it's a jail? The fuck? This is a factory...why are there pirates in a factory? Ugh....

There were too many actors for this place too. Most didn't jump out at you. Most were just wondering around in silence. They would walk by you and just look at you. NONE of them talked. What's the point? Only a few jumped out at you, but they wouldn't get close to you and they didn't touch you or talk. Maybe they'd scream, but that didn't even happen all the time. They overall just became annoying. No one did anything original. Everyone acted the same way. Also their choice of using only young adults for their costume people was bad.

The spacing of the groups were HORRIBLE. Like the Haunted Forest walk at Trails of Terror, you get broken up into small groups to go through. Wouldn't you know it, we were at the VERY front of the group again.....but this only lasted about 3 mins. We ended up getting bottlenecked for most of the walk. It ended up being back to back people and moving at a snails pace. Nothing was scary at this point, because if someone was going to jump out at us, we'd see it FAR in advance since there were about 30 people in front of us. It also didn't help that there was a teenage boy (probably around 15 or 16) clinging to me the whole time in fear. Yeah that's smart kid, grab onto the gimp limping his way through the factory...I'm sure I can get you to safety REAL fast.

At one point we were in the "hall of nothingness." It was just a LONG hallway with nothing in it. Just a long line of single file guests since it was so narrow. This place too had the spinning vortex room. This must be a common thing. This one was a bit longer and even more disorienting. I'm always a big fan of it. I was also pleased with the music inside the factory...well at a particular place. It was very creepy. It was when you entered a room with a devil/angel skeleton hanging from the ceiling.

I think my biggest gripe though is just how short it was. For $20 I would expect at least two floors for scariness...but I guess it's for the best. I actually thought to myself that I just wanted it to be over...much like the remake of Halloween. Never a good sign. We were able to walk through the Factory, even backed up, in less then 15 mins. Boo...........Boo, boo, boo (This is not scary ghost noises, this is me booing the place).

Onto the stats:

Gore: 2/5 There was very little gore here. It was mainly just actors roaming and skeletons in various positions. Skeletons don't equal gore people...and not even scary.

Cheese: 4/5 I know I said too much cheese can be funny...but only if it's intended. Nothing here seemed at all authentic, but they were TRYING for it to be legit...Kinda like Snakes on a Plane. Would have been much better if they hadn't taken themselves so seriously. High cheese marks, but this is not a good thing.

Actors: 1/5 Bitch please. I crap scarier things then AND of these people here. At one point I scared one of the actresses. I stared her down until SHE ran away in fear. Unacceptable. No talking, and no jumping out. Also the costumes were shit. Why would the Crow be scary? He was a good guy. Go back to actor pool.

Gimp Friendliness 2/5 Well I knew it wouldn't be all that gimp friendly since I knew I'd be "walking" through the factory. I was pleased that they had hand railings on all the small stairways. Earns it an extra point.

Overall: 2/5 Thinking back on it after a couple days just makes me more angry. Waste of time and money. There's nothing scary there. All the cool stuff is BEFORE you enter. Stay away from this place. There are plenty of better places. I sum it up with one word: Boo.

Rained out

It rained all night last night so we had to scrap our plans of Field of Screams....maybe next Friday. But worry not, because Factory of Terror is tonight...and since it's inside...we're going rain or shine.

Stay Tuned

I'm not going to one but TWO attractions this weekend.

For those that don't know I busted my right foot this week, so I'll be adding a new category in my review: gimp friendliness. Trails of Terror would have failed this, since there was a Haunted Forest Walk.

I'm looking for costume ideas that incorporate limping.

Trails of Terror

Here we are at awesome Halloween time. I've taken it upon myself to go to as many Halloween attractions as I can this year in the RI/MA area. This weekend we went to Trails of Terror in Wakefield, RI.

So let's get to it. First off, as you walk to the ticket booth there's a bakery on your left. Cause what haunted forest walk would be complete without a bakery? Tickets were reasonably priced coming in at $18 for both the Haunted Hayride and the Haunted Forest.

My first complaint about this place is the sheer lack of mood music while waiting in line. Disco and novelty Halloween songs do NOT put you in the right mood for what's to come. Seriously, would it kill you to play something creepy?

The Hayride was pretty cool. I really have to give it up for tall blonde girl though. Our car got alot of attention because of her. I didn't catch your name, so I'll just call you Kate. She freaked out at EVERYTHING. She screamed alot and the actors payed her special attention for it. It was most hilarious. The actors DO touch you, so be prepared. That's right hot dead chick that grabbed my ribs, I know what you were doing. I'm more then just man meat for your dining pleasure.

What I liked about this Hayride over others was that it was themed....all the way through. Many places fall short on this. They start with an idea, but want to throw random things that don't belong there. This was Cirque de Slay. I also liked that there were internal speakers that narrated things. We actually stopped at the various spots instead of driving right through. There was this awesome mirror trick that the Ring Master has at the beginning, but I won't spoil it. I was afraid at first since the first stop was something REALLY lame. The guy didn't turn on his chainsaw (it was recorded sound) and the "blood" from the assistant was clear like water. You can imagine how this set things in my mind. Luckily everything got much better. The actors jumped in the car with you...the ringmaster actually started rolling around ON the people to my right.
This brings us to the Haunted Forest walk. This too was themed: Grim Fairy Tales. They break you up into small groups of about 10. They give you no direction on what to do, which adds to the creepiness. It starts you off all disoriented. You have to walk through a "vortex" that transports you to this magical land. It's a room where everything is spinning. I challenge anyone to be able to walk that path without holding on to the railings for dear life.

Unfortunately, Dio, Rossy, and I were in THE front of the group. This meant that I had to guide the group. Gotta say I was actually fairly spooked at that. Now I knew that I wouldn't be getting most of the scares since they'll wait for the majority of the group to enter an area, but there were several things that jump out in front of the person in front. When it's pitch black and no one is in front of you....damn it was fun. When we went into Hamlin, there were real rats...wonder how they got the permits for that. It was a nice touch.

I personally like to try to break the actors character or stump them somehow. By the end the whole group joined my way of thinking. Other then the first person we ran into, everyone was pretty unflappable. Think I really connected with the little dead girl in the graveyard. She introduced me to her daddy.....well his head anyway.

I was a little confused on some of the "tales." I got the piped piper, Hansel and Gretel, and little Miss Muffit, but I didn't know which fairy tale had a dominatrix.

Let's get to the ratings:

Gore: 3/5 Children do come to these things...in fact I think I was the oldest person around WITHOUT a kid with me. Thus the gore was toned down a bit. There could have been alot more.

Cheese: 2/5 Some cheese is good, but too much is funny and enjoyable on a different level. There were only a couple of incredibly cheesy things, but they were overshadowed by many cool thing. Sure the buildings look they belonged to a HS prop department, but damn that goat-devil thing more then made up for it. Low cheese is definitely a good thing in this case.

Actors: 4/5 Gotta give it up for the actors. They got up in your face...hell they'll touch your face. Most stayed in character and couldn't be shaken. They hired pretty people, and not just prepubescent boys.

Overall: 4/5 I thoroughly enjoyed Trails of Terror. Definitely worth your time and money. I would totally go back.

Remember that Bakery I told you about at the beginning? It's a very smart idea. And good prices.

New England Halloween Attractions

I'm starting the Halloween Attraction circuit in the RI/MA area starting this Sat. I'll be documenting the places and posting reviews. Stay Tuned....